Girlfriends, Carrots, and German Literature

Girlfriend's a Head Case
Originally uploaded by biffhumble69.

Another letter from a reader!

Dear Biff,

My girlfriend is a head case. What should I do?

Wondering

Dear Wondering,

Whose isn't?

Get used to it.

As long as she isn't physically or emotionally abusive, or fond of sticking a carrot up your ass while you read "Mein Kampf" aloud, just enjoy the ride.

Well, the carrot thing is a personal taste, so you may not mind, but it was a deal-breaker for me.

Need advice on your relationship? Are you a wealthy single woman looking for a man to support? Write to biffhumble@redflagpublishing.com. And visit Red Flag Publishing

Two exes and an "Oh!"

Biffettes inTraining
Originally uploaded by biffhumble69.

Boy, they've been coming out of the woodwork recently.

Dear Biff,

I am a 16-year-old girl in love with a 43-year-old man. This isn't the problem; I love him and he loves me, and he's never abused or coerced me into anything. We haven't had sex, even though I wanted to; he wants to make sure that I'm not doing anything I don't really want to. What is the legal status of my relationship? I'm in New Jersey, so what is the age of consent? I am tired of keeping our relationship a secret, but I will if revealing it would get him in trouble. That leads to the other part of my question—if I have to keep it hidden, how do I respond when people ask if I'm involved? I don't want people to think he's a predator, because he isn't.

—Not a Victim

Dear Vickie:

Ixnay on the ovelay alktay. I told you, Biff only dates women who can keep him in the style to which he is accustomed, and your trust fund doesn't mature any faster than you do. (But, call me when you get the first check, O.K. babe?)



Dear Biff,

I've been divorced for 18 months and have recently become involved with a wonderful man. He's everything I seek in a mate: kind, upstanding, handsome, romantic, witty, and funny. On top of it all, he's independently wealthy and quite generous, a keeper in every sense of the word. Here's the problem. Recently, I have found myself wondering what was so bad about my ex-husband in the first place. I am uniquely poised to rekindle an old flame. Should I share my feelings or let the moment pass?

—Bewildered

Dear Bea:

I told you, Biff only dates women who can keep him in the style to which he is accustomed, and your inheritance ran dry years ago. When you get close enough to this guy to get access to his bank account, give me a call, and we'll do lunch (you're buying, right?)


Dear Biff:

Fifteen years ago, my high school sweetheart and I broke up. He left town and joined the military. A year or so later, I was at his best friend's house (we were both drunk and drugged up, though that's no excuse), and his best friend and I slept together one time. It wasn't good and we never spoke of it. I went off to college and never saw either of them until 10 years later. My sweetheart and I found each other again, and we married. A few months into our new relationship, I realized that not only does my husband not know about me and his (still) best friend, he would be absolutely furious if he found out.

Do I tell my husband? My problem is that I still feel it is dishonest to hide it from him. But how can I destroy a long-term friendship and hurt my husband to make myself feel better? I think about it every single day and feel guilty and anxious.

—Between a Rock and a Hard Place

Dear Roxie:

Don't tell him, the last thing I need is another angry husband after me. Wait a minute, at the time you said it WAS good. And, if it wasn't, why have you kept coming back for more? Are we still on for Thursday? You're buying dinner, right?

Need advice on your relationship? Are you a wealthy single woman looking for a man to support? Write to biffhumble@redflagpublishing.com. And visit Red Flag Publishing

Biff and Darla join forces

Biff and Darla. Well, actually it's Kevin and Rene, but it looks just like Biff and Darla, except Biff is not as handsome or in such good shape, and Darla is more beautiful.
Originally uploaded by biffhumble69.

Dear Readers:

Darla and I decided to team up on some couple-oriented issues, originally dealt with much less directly in a national women's magazine. And, once again, Darla proves that she's not only damn beautiful and great in bed, but smart as hell, too!

Doggie Duty

Dear Biff and Darla:

I want a dog but my wife is against it. I told her that I'll be responsible for walking and feeding him, but she just laughs and says that she knows she'll end up doing the dirty work. I'm not a 6-year-old -- why do I need her permission anyway?

Biff says: Are you a man, or a pussy? What the hell did you ask her for? Remember, the first rule of marriage is, "It's always easier to ask for forgiveness than permission." Go get your damn dog, and tell her if she doesn't like it, she can take a hike. If she does, consider yourself lucky. The dog will be more loyal to you than she ever was; he will be glad to see you EVERY DAY when you get home from work; he won't be disgusted when you take a stinky bean-burrito-Dos-Equis-and-tequila shit; he won't lecture you for leaving your underwear on the bedroom floor; you will never have to worry about what he really meant, instead of what he said; and he won't even be jealous when you bring home skanky strippers, or tell you "I told you so," when you get the Clap.

Darla says: So, you think women are high maintenance? Try owning a dog. They are all pooping, peeing, puking bark machines, most of whom have no shame where or when they perform their dastardly deeds. Sorry buddy, but unless you plan to become VERY FRIENDLY with your new pet, I wouldn't recommend pissing off the wife. Better to be a pussy, than to have to beg for it, and believe me, you will be begging. Dogs live a LONG time. However, if you do grow some balls and get a dog, get used to operating a carpet cleaner, scooping lots of shit, and walking your new lover, uh, I mean best friend, in all kinds of nasty weather, while your wife looks on, laughing her ass off....

The New Wisteria Lane

Dear Biff and Darla:

My husband keeps buying me sexy, skimpy outfits. I'm in good shape but I'm too old to be prancing around suburban parties in micro-minis and too-tight tops. I told him if he wanted a hooker, he shouldn't have married a lady!

Biff says: Honey, somewhere along the line, you missed the whole Madonna/Whore lesson. Your husband does want a hooker, and if you don't provide him with one, he'll find one on his own. Shut up, dress up, and have some fucking fun for once in your lady-like prissy-ass life, for Christ's sake.

Darla says: I suggest turning the tables on this selfish dickhead. It's time to invest in some serious leather: a bustier, boots (the pointier the toe, the better); oh, and don't forget the whip, leash, and handcuffs. He wants a whore? Go him one better, tell him you want him to be your sex slave! He'll either be scared shitless, or better yet, get you both off big time. Either way, you're in control, and isn't that the way it should be?

Biff says: Leather bustier, pointy boots, and a whip? Ummmm ... say, Darla, are you busy this weekend?

Safety Crash Course

Dear Biff and Darla:

My son wants to get a motorcycle for his high school graduation, and my husband thinks it's a great idea. I'm violently opposed. They're high-fiving each other, and I'm furious. What should I do?

Biff says: Buy your husband a motorcycle, too, and a big life insurance policy.

Darla says: At what point in your marriage did you begin to allow your husband to make decisions? That is NEVER a good idea. Ultimately, you hold the trump card. It's located between your legs...

Biff says: Damn your irrefutable logic, woman!!! Want to play cards later?

Need advice on your relationship? Write to biffhumble@redflagpublishing.com. And visit Red Flag Publishing

Two Little Bitches

Now dear, if you're going to be a bitch, you have to be more subtle."
Originally uploaded by biffhumble69.

Here's a couple borrowed from "Dear Abby," but, of course, my advice is more spot-on:

Dear Biff,

My mother says I'm tearing our family apart. On Mother's Day, my eight-year-old daughter teased her nine-year-old cousin, asking, "who'd like my last bite of dessert?" When he said he wanted it, she said, "Just kidding!" My nephew went running into the house wailing like he'd been hit.

I was in the middle of telling my daughter what she did was wrong, and she should apologize, when I heard my brother, "Harry," ask my nephew why he was crying. When he heard the reason, Harry said, "Well, she's a little bitch!" I was horrified. My daughter and sister-in-law heard it, too.

When I went inside to talk to Harry, he told me he didn't mean it that way, and that he could say anything in his house that he wanted to. My daughter and I left, and I haven't talked to him since.

He has apologized to my daughter with numerous justifications for what he said, but he hasn't apologized to me for what he called my daughter and the way he talked to me. We have had two family birthdays since then (including another at Harry's home) and my daughter and I haven't attended either one.

My mother is taking Harry's side, saying I'm too sensitive and the word isn't that bad. Am I wrong to think that calling and eight-year-old a "bitch" is horrible, degrading, and uncalled for?

-Harry's Sister

Dear Hairy Ass:

So, let me see if I can sum this up: your daughter, at age eight, is already manipulative and mean-spirited, and causes other people pain for her own enjoyment. Your brother called her on it, but then apologized, but you refuse to forgive him, and are making the entire family pay for his honesty?

Sounds like he called the wrong person "bitch."

Dear Biff:

My brother is ticked off at me because I sing songs all the time. I sing a few lines, and he yells, "Stop!" Each time I make a little noise, he also demands that I stop. It seems like everything I do he tries to stop me from doing.

My parents try hard to get him to stop yelling at me, but he won't. I'm getting really frustrated. How can I solve this problem? (By the way, I'm seven.)

- Frustrated in Berkley

Dear Child of Limp-wristed Liberals:

I'm guessing that you are probably the most obnoxious sister there is, constantly singing and making noise and bothering your brother for no reason. Have you tried just shutting the Hell up? That might work.

If not, just hit your brother. I've found that violence solves almost all problems. Alcohol solves the rest, but you should wait until you are at least 10 before trying that solution.

Need advice on your relationship? Write to biffhumble@redflagpublishing.com. And visit Red Flag Publishing

Don't end up like Lefty

What happens when you become infatuated with a woman
Originally uploaded by biffhumble69.

My first letter from a reader!

Dear Biff:

I am a generally promiscous male who usually hooks it up with very attractive women pretty much whenever I want to. However, I have known a woman now for three years that I am incrediby infatuated with. Not only is she supermodel hot, but has to be one of the most intriguing people that I have ever met.

Things seemed to be going in a positive direction for us recently, but I fucked it all up by pushing the sex issue. Please understand, I usually fuck on the first or second date, and not having sex with her for three years now seems unnatural. I just want to make it feel "more natural." Ok... honestly, I am really spoiled and was being a brat about the sex issue. Still, I don't think I did anything wrong.

Her, just being forced from a marriage in shambles, is allegedly "not ready" to make big steps, like sex. Knowing women like I do though, I believe that she is full of shit, as I specialize in sleeping with women who are still emotionally ambigious and "not ready for sex." Woman have a mercenary-like ability to get over their emotions in under one second, usually to hook up with guys like me. Still, she's not falling for it.

I don't know if I am ready to get over this, so... how do I get past this? The usual approach (sex with random women) doesn't seem to be working, but still... I don't mind trying that approach again and again if necessary. She keeps dangling the promise of promise in front of me... how do I stop falling for it? I have never felt so out of control of my emotions! Ok... honestly, there are actually emotions and not just hormones this time. Arghh... emotions damn them!

Help me, Biff!

Your super-fan,

The Devil's Left Testicle

Dear Lefty:

Hmmm ... I see two problems with this relationship.

1. You carried on a relationship with a woman for three years without consummating it; and

2. You became infatuated with her.

You didn't fuck this up by pushing the sex issue now; you fucked it up by not pushing the sex issue three years ago. By not doing that, you placed yourself in the role of "emotionally supportive male friend," of which every woman wants at least one.

The problem with this role is, after spending endless hours crying on your shoulder about all the emotionally abusive asshole men in their lives, women then go out and find an emotionally abusive asshole man to fuck their brains out.

Women, especially "supermodel hot" women, are used to guys lavishing them with attention. They begin to develop this deluded self-concept that guys are nice to them because they enjoy their company. They actually come to believe that men are willing to spend money just to be with them, because they are such thrilling companions and skilled conversationalists.

The fact that they don't realize that the only thing any of these men wants with them is to insert his penis in their vagina shows how far from reality these women's minds exist.

As someone who "specializes in sleeping with women who are still emotionally ambigious and 'not ready for sex,'" you know as well as I what you did wrong. You cared about her as a person. You became infatuated with her.

The paradox here is that "supermodel hot" women are only capable of caring about men who don't care about them (although one could convincingly argue that they really are incapable of caring about anyone other than themselves, as I did in my other blog ).

The only way you were going to get your penis anywhere near one of this woman's orifices would have been to treat her like she didn't matter. To a woman who is used to being treated like she is the only thing that matters, this is the most powerful aphrodisiac there is. If you had treated her like she wasn't worthy of you, she would have pulled out all the stops in order to prove that she was, in fact, worthy of you. This would have resulted in a virtually unlimited supply of mind-blowing blowjobs, had you played your cards right.

Instead you fucked it all up.

At this point, I see no chance of you ever getting with this woman, so the task left to you is to get over her. I have a lot of experience in this area, but since I have found the only beautiful woman in the world who doesn't act like a normal beautiful woman, and I'm not letting her out of my sight, that option is not open to you.

So, my advice to you is:

1. Increase your alcohol intake. The dosage schedule needs to be carefully worked out so as to get the emotional part of your brain completely blotto, but not eliminate the "lower" functions, if you get my drift. This will allow you to successfully institute step 2:

2. Have sex with as many random women as is humanly possible during the next six to nine months, in as many positions and locations as possible.

Whatever you do, follow the advice of the most effective corporate CEOs: always schedule meetings in the other person's office, that way you can decide when to leave. Or, even better, if she's drunk enough, go for the bar bathroom, as you can knock one off, and then move onto the next target without the wasted time of driving to her place, and having that awkward conversation in which you pretend that you will call her later.

I'm not guaranteeing that this will help you get over her, but unlike money, which cannot buy happiness, a lot of booze and pussy can. Or at least they will make you not give a shit.

Need advice on your relationship? Write to biffhumble@redflagpublishing.com. And visit Red Flag Publishing