My Girlfriend Came Out of the Closet!

Where in the World
is Biff Humble?
Uploaded by James Hitchcock

Dear Readers,
While we search for Biff, our editorial director has offered to step into Biff's shoes, and promises to answer your questions with as much humor and insight as our fearless publisher ...

Why do women always say that
they are coming out of the closet
when they break up with me?

Dear Biff

I don't know what to do.

Last night at a party, one of my friends told me he opened the closet to get his coat, and he found my girlfriend, on her knees, in front of a man, who was holding her head.

I rushed out to the living room just in time to see my girlfriend coming out of the closet with Steve, a friend of ours, sort of ... really more of an acquaintance than a friend. Sort of a friend of a friend, really. You see, there's this librarian I know, who introduced me to Steve ... well, not in person, you see, but over the internet, and we've chatted. So, we had never really met until that night, but he was sort of a friend, I guess. Well, actually, he probably chatted more often with my girlfriend than me, but I still considered him my friend.

Well, anyway, I confronted my girlfriend, and asked her what was going on.

She said that she had lost her earring, and was looking in the closet in case it had snagged on her scarf.

So I asked her what Steve was doing in there with her, holding her head.

She said that he saw her looking, and came to help, and was turning her head to where he saw something glittery on the floor.

She even said that someone accidentally closed the door while they were looking for the earring.

The thing was, I looked, and she wasn't wearing earrings.

So, I became very suspicious that maybe they were fooling around. But it just didn't add up. After all, why would she be on her knees if they were kissing?

She tells me there is no reason to be jealous, and that nothing was happening, but if I would just give her a pearl necklace once in a while, she might not lose her earrings so often.

I just don't see how buying her more jewelry will keep her from losing her earrings. It seems like the more jewelry she has, the more likely she is to lose it.

And, I still keep getting this weird feeling that something just wasn't right.


Signed,

Wondering
(Note: I've been told to change the names to protect the anonymity of our readers - James)

Dear Mr. Dumas,

I think you are overreacting to what was probably a very innocent situation.

Obviously, if your girlfriend was on her knees looking for an earring, she couldn't have been kissing Steve.

And, of course she wasn't wearing earrings - she told you she lost them!

Are you always so jealous of your girlfriend? Let me tell you from experience that nothing can turn off a woman more quickly than jealousy. One of my ex-girlfriends broke up with me when I accused her of messing around under similar circumstances to your own. During a party, I found her in our bed, under a pile of coats, with one of my friends. I yelled and yelled at her. But then she explained that she had her hands in his pants to help him look for his wallet, and I felt really stupid. I apologized, but she left me anyway.

You would think I would have learned, but I accused my next girlfriend of messing around because she kept sneaking into the men's bathroom at our favorite pub - when there were guys in there! She told me that it was just because there was a line in the women's restroom, and she couldn't hold it. And, all the guys in there vouched for her, too.

So, I finally learned my lesson about being jealous. I think you should give your girlfriend the benefit of the doubt here, and tell her you are sorry for being so jealous.

But, just to double check my opinion, I asked Darla what she thought. She agreed with me, and said you should also give her that pearl necklace she wanted, to prove you were sorry.

Funny thing is, she said with Biff gone, she could use a pearl necklace, but I just don't have that kind of money laying around, and I wouldn't want my boss to get jealous because I bought his girlfriend jewelry.

I hope this helps,

James


We are at day 54 of Biff Watch, and we are still asking our loyal readers to keep an eye out for Biff. He should be easy to spot: he's over six feet tall, late 40s, prematurely grey hair usually greased back, and prone to smoke a pipe. His personal hygiene tends to slip when he's off on one of his trips, so he may be sporting several days' beard growth.

If you see him, please snap a photo or get some video, and send it to jehitch@redflagpublishing.com, along with information as to where and when it was shot, so we can track him down.


Thanks,
James Hitchcock
Editorial Director
Red Flag Publishing

Oh, and PLEASE ... BUY OUR BOOKS!