Friday, June 30, 2006

She Loves Her Pussy More Than Me!

Borrowed from "Dear Prudence":

Dear Biff:

I can't believe I'm actually in this ridiculous situation. I am in my late 30s, dating a wonderful woman the same age. We've known each other for seven years, been best friends for five, and have dated for two of those.

Why the wait? My girlfriend is a widow. She married her high-school sweetheart when she was 21 and he died in an accident less than a year later. Understandably, she has been hesitant to move forward with any commitment to another guy.

I decided a long time ago that I wanted to marry this awesome woman, but I have been sensitive to her need to move slowly. I have tried to show her that I respect her love for her deceased husband and her slight sense of guilt in "moving on."

When I finally thought the time was right, I asked her to marry me. She said that she wasn't quite ready and she wanted to hold off on marriage plans until her cat died. (Strange as it sounds, I felt it was a reasonable request since she and her husband got this cat together when they were married.)

This cat, Pumpkin, was 16 when we made the agreement and seemed to be on his last legs. That was almost three years ago. I hate to pressure my girlfriend to break our agreement, but this cat is a freak of nature that is ruining my chance at happiness! What to do?
—Non-Cat Lover

Dear Non:

You call that a "slight sense of guilt in moving on"?

It's time for you to move on and find a woman who's not so hung up about her pussy.

Borrowed from "Dear Diane":

Dear Biff:

"Brenda" and I dated for five years before we both knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. I proposed to her three months ago.

Ever since then, the kind, thoughtful woman I fell in love with has become an insufferable witch (I think you know the word I really mean to say). She is constantly shrieking at people involved with planning the wedding, and it's gotten to the point where I can't stand to be around her.

Brenda's wedding plans are totally unrealistic. For one, she wants the ceremony to be held on a beach in Jamaica at sunset. The problem is that many of the more than 100 guests she's inviting can't afford to make the trip. Many of her relatives are retired and on a fixed income.

I won't get into some of the other more insane details of this fiasco. Needless to say the whole she-bang will cost us almost $100,000.

We don't have that kind of money. Brenda says I should take out a loan. I told her if I am going into hock for 100 Large, it's going to be for a new home, not a one-day event to appease her inflated sense of entitlement and vanity.

Is this sort of behavior normal with brides-to-be?

-Shocked

Dear Shocked:

Yes, but the term "brides-to-be" is too specific. The phrase "inflated sense of entitlement and vanity" is actually interchangeable with the word "woman."

You have three choices: Get used to it; begin frequenting the nearest freeway rest area bathroom at midnight; or join the priesthood.

And, we are all friends here, so you don't have to worry about etiquette. I assume when you say, "has become an insufferable witch," you actually mean, "finally showed what a crazy fucking bitch she was all along, but was able to hide until she set the hook."

Need help with your relationship? Just ask Biff at biffhumble@redflagpublishing.com

For more of Biff's take on relationships, check out the web comic Beauty:Bullshit, The Red Flag Ratio at Red Flag Publishing's web site.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

You've Come a Long Way, Baby

Stole this one from Dear Abby, but my advice is much better than hers.

Dear Biff:

Over the past three years, my best friend of 15 years, "Hazel," has engaged in some disturbing Internet dating behavior. Several months ago, she answered a classified ad on the Internet in which a man was looking for women who enjoy "domestic discipline" (in other words, spanking). Not only did Hazel meet this man, but she married him after knowing him for only three weeks!

When I met him, every alarm God ever game a woman went off at once. He was very aggressive and after only 10 minutes, began making inappropriate comments in front of me about spanking Hazel.
Hazel keeps pressing us to "get to know him," but every time I think about it I feel ill. My husband and I are conservative people. We would never associate with someone we knew openly practiced deviant behavior.

I am worried about my friend, and afraid he will abuse her. Can this relationship be salvaged?
-Shocked

Dear Shocked:

You mentioned that you and your husband are conservative, but you neglected to mention that you are also judgmental: "We would never associate with someone we knew openly practiced deviant behavior" indeed. Who the hell appointed you chief of the morality police?

If you think spanking is deviant, I've got some magazines under my bed that will make your hair curl.

I've got news for you: Your friend "Hazel" likes to get spanked, and she found somebody who is more than willing to do it. Sounds like a match made in heaven, to me.

And, her name isn't Hazel, it's Cindy. And she likes a lot more than just being spanked, let me tell you from experience - just take a look at her Internet profile - da bitch be freaky! I keep her number on speed dial.

Can the relationship be salvaged? Only if you are willing to try it with your husband in some way other than the missionary position!!!

Oh, wait, you meant your relationship with Hazel?

No. Hazel likes to get her ass reddened before doing the giggity-giggity-goo with her new husband, and the thought of two consenting adults enjoying mutual interests in the privacy of their own home disgusts you.

I would suggest you join the 700 Club so you can find some other people with which to spend your social time who are as hung-up about sex as you.

Need help with your relationship? Just ask Biff at biffhumble@redflagpublishing.com

For more of Biff's take on relationships, check out the web comic Beauty:Bullshit, The Red Flag Ratio at Red Flag Publishing's web site.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

A Bad Day for Guys in Biff's World


Huh?
Originally uploaded by biffhumble69.
Today is a two-for-one special, again from an actual advice column:

Dear Biff:

Hypothetical situation: Let's say "Marcy" and "Dave" are a couple. Marcy loves Dave and thinks Dave loves her back, but unbeknownst to her, Dave doesn't and wants to break up. While he's trying to figure out how to tell her, Marcy's life hits some really hard times.
the question: Is it kinder for Dave to see her through the hard times, and break up with her after she's O.K. again? Or is it better to be honest and dump her now, while she's still dealing with her other problems.
-Wondering

Dave:
Hypothetically, you sound like a real asshole, masquerading as a nice guy. When you say, "while he's trying to figure out how to tell her," I assume you mean, "while he's trying to find another piece of ass before he tells her." Now look at the mess your penis has gotten you into.

Dump her and get it over with, so she can find someone who deserves her, unlike you, you selfish bastard.

Dear Biff:

I'm a 26-year-old college student with a child from a relationship which ended three years ago. For the past two years, I have enjoyed a dream relationship that includes perfect chemistry and mutual respect and love. Unfortunately, my Dream Man has told me he doesn't see himself in the role of stepfather, so I am working up the courage to end it. Am I doomed to singlehood because I'm a mom? Do I have to seriously lower my standards if I want to get married? Am I nuts to end a relationship full of fun, great sex, and companionship?
- Saying Good-bye

Dear Good-bye:

What the hell is wrong with you? In case you didn't notice, you are a parent. That is your real life. You spent two years in a relationship with a guy who doesn't want to be a part of your real life? Hello? In what world does that relationship include "mutual respect and love"?

This loser is as bad as the selfish bastard in the last letter, only (to give him credit) more honest. Boot him to the curb fast, and start looking for a real man for whom "mutual love and respect" includes all of you - this includes the kid for which you are responsible during the coming 18 years.

And grow fucking up while you are at it, yourself. You are not a college student, you are a mother. Don't let the fact you attend college fool you. You no longer have anything in common with the society of sorority sluts with which you rub shoulders every day.

Need help with your relationship? Just ask Biff at biffhumble@redflagpublishing.com

For more of Biff's take on relationships, check out the web comic Beauty:Bullshit, The Red Flag Ratio at Red Flag Publishing's web site.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Am I Turning My Son Queer?


Father was a Poofter
Originally uploaded by
biffhumble69.
Here's more of my invaluable advice on relationships:

Dear Biff: I have the most wonderful husband in the world. He cooks, he does housework, he does the dishes. From talking with my girlfriends, I don't think there is another man out there like him (certainly none of their husbands are so thoughtful and considerate).

The problem is with our son, who is a toddler. I have been reading all of Dr. James Dobson's books, and he clearly says that a boy must have a strong male role model in the home, or he risks turning gay.

I love my husband dearly, and certainly don't want to get off my lazy ass and do the housework*, but I also don't want my son to turn queer.

What should I do?

Signed - Worried Sick

Dear Sick: Dr. Dobson is absolutely right! If you don't start doing all the housework, cooking, and washing dishes immediately, you - and you alone - will be responsible when, a few years down the road, you walk in on your son as he's trying on your panties.

If you don't take the mop out of your husband's hand, your son will watch his dad manipulate what is obviously a phallic symbol, and either grow up to be Liberace's house-boy, or a chronic masturbator.

And, to further ensure you reverse any damage already done to your son's testicles, you should force your husband to sit in a recliner all day every Sunday while you wait on him hand and foot, bringing him beer and chips, and a bedpan when needed.

I know this sounds like a lot of work, but look closely at the alternative: if you don't make a radical change right now, in about 16 years your son will come home from school with his makeup all smeared, and tell you he now knows what Shania meant when she sang, "Man, I feel like a woman!"

*O.K., I admit to fabricating this line, but seriously, this letter was in a famous advice column recently. I swear!

Need help with your relationship? Just ask Biff at biffhumble@redflagpublishing.com

For more of Biff's take on relationships, check out the web comic
Beauty:Bullshit, The Red Flag Ratio at Red Flag Publishing's web site.

Is My Husband a Switch Hitter?


MICHELANGELO'S DAVID
Originally uploaded by biffhumble69.

To prime the pump, I've "borrowed" some entries from well-known advice columnists, and given them what, in my humble opinion, is much better advice than was originally offered.

Dear Biff: My husband's a college professor, and the dean recently asked each faculty member to post a picture on their personal web site that is either of themselves, or represents them or their field of study. My husband chose Michelangelo's David, which has nothing to do with the classes he teaches. I'm worried that this is his subconscious way of admitting that he is bisexual. I can see no other reason why a heterosexual man would choose this image to represent himself. Should I be worried?

Dear Worried: You homophobic prude! Why can't you imagine any reason your husband would choose this image, other than that he might like to catch as well as pitch; that he might be a pole smoker; that he might like to golf the 19th hole; or that he might be fond of prison love? Because you are a closed-minded, mind-controlled, religous-righter who thinks the human body is something to be embarrassed about, methinks.

Oh, and by the way, your husband isn't bisexual, he's as queer as a summer day is long.

I hope this helps you.

Need advice on your love life? Write Biff at biffhumble@redflagpublishing.com

For more of Biff's take on relationships, check out the web comic Beauty:Bullshit, The Red Flag Ratio at Red Flag Publishing's web site.