She Wants Variety

Where in the World
is Biff Humble?
Uploaded by James Hitchcock

Dear Readers,
While we search for Biff, our editorial director has offered to step into Biff's shoes, and promises to answer your questions with as much humor and insight as our fearless publisher; however, for some reason, the letters have dried up since he started answering them. But, finally, we've received a couple queries. Here's the first addressed to him:

What do you like to spread
on your English Muffin?

Dear James

My husband and I have been married for a little over four years, and lately, I've been fantasizing about having sex with other men. I'd like to have one night stands with lots of different men, but I would never want my husband to be upset, so I think he should do the same (with women of course). I just don't know how to approach him on this for fear he may become upset and accuse me of wanting to cheat on him. What should I do?

Play Misty for Me

Dear Misty,

Whenever you start to feel these urges, you should pull out your marriage license, and remember the vows you took four years ago. It's O.K. to fantasize about other men, you just shouldn't act on it. Maybe you two could play dress-up to help the fantasy?

Just don't do what my ex girlfriend did, and keep calling me by my best friend's name ...

Ironically, they are living together now. I guess when she calls out, "Alan! Alan!" he won't even realize she's yelling someone else's name.

In a way, you remind me of the wife of this artist who works at our comics company, only she wants to try lots of different kinds of food, which, I suppose is not as bad as wanting to try lots of different men.

But it does start to bug me after a while, when she keeps asking me, "Do you like seafood?" and I say, "Yes," and she says, "How about clams?" Then she will come up to me and ask, "Do you like Mexican food?" and I say, "Yes," and she asks me, "How about tacos?"

She must not be too bright, because almost certainly if I like seafood I would like clams, and tacos if I liked Mexican food. Logic is so often lost on women.

But, what bugs me most is when she comes up and says, "Do you like food from Great Britain?" and I will say, "Yes," and she will ask me, "Would you like to spread my English Muffin?"

Now, first of all, I'm really busy with Biff gone, and hardly have time to help her make her breakfast. And second, how would I know what she wants on her English Muffin?

Sometimes girls can be so irritating.

If it weren't for that cute English accent she has, I don't know if I could stand to be around her.

I hope this helps,
James

We are at day 79 of Biff Watch, and we are still asking our loyal readers to keep an eye out for Biff. He should be easy to spot: he's over six feet tall, late 40s, prematurely grey hair usually greased back, and prone to smoke a pipe. His personal hygiene tends to slip when he's off on one of his trips, so he may be sporting several days' beard growth.

If you see him, please snap a photo or get some video, and send it to jehitch@redflagpublishing.com, along with information as to where and when it was shot, so we can track him down.


Thanks,
James Hitchcock
Editorial Director
Red Flag Publishing

Oh, and PLEASE ... BUY OUR BOOKS!

I want a baby; he doesn't!

Where in the World
is Biff Humble?
Uploaded by James Hitchcock

Dear Readers,
While we search for Biff, our editorial director has offered to step into Biff's shoes, and promises to answer your questions with as much humor and insight as our fearless publisher ...

Every man loves babies

Dear Biff

I've been married to a wonderful man for two years and we are very happy. I'm 34, he's 41. It's my first marriage, his second, and he has two children that he has raised on his own. Before we became engaged, he said he didn't want any more children. I didn't either, at the time.

But now, all I can think about is having a baby. We've talked and talked about it, and he sticks to his guns. He says that he's already been through that part of his life, and I knew that going into the marriage. He says he's too old, that it would cost to much to raise another child, and that it would take too much time away from us as a couple.

I love this man dearly, but I desperately want a child. How can I get him to change his mind?

Signed,

Marion in Mattawan


Dear Marion,

I just don't understand why your husband wouldn't want to have more children. Children are great. I wish I had more of them.

Your husband probably just doesn't know yet that he wants another baby. Just keep bringing up the subject (at least five or six times a day), and eventually, he'll come around.

If he doesn't, you could either threaten to never have sex with him again, or "accidentally" forget to take your birth control.*

I'm sure that once you were pregnant, he would be deliriously happy.

I hope this helps,

James

*Biff would probably have offered to inseminate you in many different ways at this point of the letter, so in an effort to be humorous, I will say that if your husband doesn't give in, I will offer to visit the local sperm bank and leave a deposit while thinking lewd and lascivious thoughts about you. You can then make arrangements to pick up the sample, and use it to become pregnant. But, if you do so, I would like to be a part of the baby's life, even if he (I'm already calling the baby "he") doesn't know that I'm really the father. You can just call me "Uncle Jim."


We are at day 47 of Biff Watch, and a reader reported seeing Biff in Sloppy Joe's Bar in Key West. We don't have any photographic corroboration, but it sounds like the kind of place he'd hang out.

We are still asking our loyal readers to keep an eye out for Biff. He should be easy to spot: he's over six feet tall, late 40s, prematurely grey hair usually greased back, and prone to smoke a pipe. His personal hygiene tends to slip when he's off on one of his trips, so he may be sporting several days' beard growth.

If you see him, please snap a photo or get some video, and send it to jehitch@redflagpublishing.com, along with information as to where and when it was shot, so we can track him down.

Please, we need your help.

Thanks,
James Hitchcock
Editorial Director
Red Flag Publishing

Oh, and PLEASE ... BUY OUR BOOKS!

My Girlfriend Came Out of the Closet!

Where in the World
is Biff Humble?
Uploaded by James Hitchcock

Dear Readers,
While we search for Biff, our editorial director has offered to step into Biff's shoes, and promises to answer your questions with as much humor and insight as our fearless publisher ...

Why do women always say that
they are coming out of the closet
when they break up with me?

Dear Biff

I don't know what to do.

Last night at a party, one of my friends told me he opened the closet to get his coat, and he found my girlfriend, on her knees, in front of a man, who was holding her head.

I rushed out to the living room just in time to see my girlfriend coming out of the closet with Steve, a friend of ours, sort of ... really more of an acquaintance than a friend. Sort of a friend of a friend, really. You see, there's this librarian I know, who introduced me to Steve ... well, not in person, you see, but over the internet, and we've chatted. So, we had never really met until that night, but he was sort of a friend, I guess. Well, actually, he probably chatted more often with my girlfriend than me, but I still considered him my friend.

Well, anyway, I confronted my girlfriend, and asked her what was going on.

She said that she had lost her earring, and was looking in the closet in case it had snagged on her scarf.

So I asked her what Steve was doing in there with her, holding her head.

She said that he saw her looking, and came to help, and was turning her head to where he saw something glittery on the floor.

She even said that someone accidentally closed the door while they were looking for the earring.

The thing was, I looked, and she wasn't wearing earrings.

So, I became very suspicious that maybe they were fooling around. But it just didn't add up. After all, why would she be on her knees if they were kissing?

She tells me there is no reason to be jealous, and that nothing was happening, but if I would just give her a pearl necklace once in a while, she might not lose her earrings so often.

I just don't see how buying her more jewelry will keep her from losing her earrings. It seems like the more jewelry she has, the more likely she is to lose it.

And, I still keep getting this weird feeling that something just wasn't right.


Signed,

Wondering
(Note: I've been told to change the names to protect the anonymity of our readers - James)

Dear Mr. Dumas,

I think you are overreacting to what was probably a very innocent situation.

Obviously, if your girlfriend was on her knees looking for an earring, she couldn't have been kissing Steve.

And, of course she wasn't wearing earrings - she told you she lost them!

Are you always so jealous of your girlfriend? Let me tell you from experience that nothing can turn off a woman more quickly than jealousy. One of my ex-girlfriends broke up with me when I accused her of messing around under similar circumstances to your own. During a party, I found her in our bed, under a pile of coats, with one of my friends. I yelled and yelled at her. But then she explained that she had her hands in his pants to help him look for his wallet, and I felt really stupid. I apologized, but she left me anyway.

You would think I would have learned, but I accused my next girlfriend of messing around because she kept sneaking into the men's bathroom at our favorite pub - when there were guys in there! She told me that it was just because there was a line in the women's restroom, and she couldn't hold it. And, all the guys in there vouched for her, too.

So, I finally learned my lesson about being jealous. I think you should give your girlfriend the benefit of the doubt here, and tell her you are sorry for being so jealous.

But, just to double check my opinion, I asked Darla what she thought. She agreed with me, and said you should also give her that pearl necklace she wanted, to prove you were sorry.

Funny thing is, she said with Biff gone, she could use a pearl necklace, but I just don't have that kind of money laying around, and I wouldn't want my boss to get jealous because I bought his girlfriend jewelry.

I hope this helps,

James


We are at day 54 of Biff Watch, and we are still asking our loyal readers to keep an eye out for Biff. He should be easy to spot: he's over six feet tall, late 40s, prematurely grey hair usually greased back, and prone to smoke a pipe. His personal hygiene tends to slip when he's off on one of his trips, so he may be sporting several days' beard growth.

If you see him, please snap a photo or get some video, and send it to jehitch@redflagpublishing.com, along with information as to where and when it was shot, so we can track him down.


Thanks,
James Hitchcock
Editorial Director
Red Flag Publishing

Oh, and PLEASE ... BUY OUR BOOKS!