Two Little Bitches

Now dear, if you're going to be a bitch, you have to be more subtle."
Originally uploaded by biffhumble69.

Here's a couple borrowed from "Dear Abby," but, of course, my advice is more spot-on:

Dear Biff,

My mother says I'm tearing our family apart. On Mother's Day, my eight-year-old daughter teased her nine-year-old cousin, asking, "who'd like my last bite of dessert?" When he said he wanted it, she said, "Just kidding!" My nephew went running into the house wailing like he'd been hit.

I was in the middle of telling my daughter what she did was wrong, and she should apologize, when I heard my brother, "Harry," ask my nephew why he was crying. When he heard the reason, Harry said, "Well, she's a little bitch!" I was horrified. My daughter and sister-in-law heard it, too.

When I went inside to talk to Harry, he told me he didn't mean it that way, and that he could say anything in his house that he wanted to. My daughter and I left, and I haven't talked to him since.

He has apologized to my daughter with numerous justifications for what he said, but he hasn't apologized to me for what he called my daughter and the way he talked to me. We have had two family birthdays since then (including another at Harry's home) and my daughter and I haven't attended either one.

My mother is taking Harry's side, saying I'm too sensitive and the word isn't that bad. Am I wrong to think that calling and eight-year-old a "bitch" is horrible, degrading, and uncalled for?

-Harry's Sister

Dear Hairy Ass:

So, let me see if I can sum this up: your daughter, at age eight, is already manipulative and mean-spirited, and causes other people pain for her own enjoyment. Your brother called her on it, but then apologized, but you refuse to forgive him, and are making the entire family pay for his honesty?

Sounds like he called the wrong person "bitch."

Dear Biff:

My brother is ticked off at me because I sing songs all the time. I sing a few lines, and he yells, "Stop!" Each time I make a little noise, he also demands that I stop. It seems like everything I do he tries to stop me from doing.

My parents try hard to get him to stop yelling at me, but he won't. I'm getting really frustrated. How can I solve this problem? (By the way, I'm seven.)

- Frustrated in Berkley

Dear Child of Limp-wristed Liberals:

I'm guessing that you are probably the most obnoxious sister there is, constantly singing and making noise and bothering your brother for no reason. Have you tried just shutting the Hell up? That might work.

If not, just hit your brother. I've found that violence solves almost all problems. Alcohol solves the rest, but you should wait until you are at least 10 before trying that solution.

Need advice on your relationship? Write to biffhumble@redflagpublishing.com. And visit Red Flag Publishing