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She Wants Variety

Where in the World
is Biff Humble?
Uploaded by James Hitchcock

Dear Readers,
While we search for Biff, our editorial director has offered to step into Biff's shoes, and promises to answer your questions with as much humor and insight as our fearless publisher; however, for some reason, the letters have dried up since he started answering them. But, finally, we've received a couple queries. Here's the first addressed to him:

What do you like to spread
on your English Muffin?

Dear James

My husband and I have been married for a little over four years, and lately, I've been fantasizing about having sex with other men. I'd like to have one night stands with lots of different men, but I would never want my husband to be upset, so I think he should do the same (with women of course). I just don't know how to approach him on this for fear he may become upset and accuse me of wanting to cheat on him. What should I do?

Play Misty for Me

Dear Misty,

Whenever you start to feel these urges, you should pull out your marriage license, and remember the vows you took four years ago. It's O.K. to fantasize about other men, you just shouldn't act on it. Maybe you two could play dress-up to help the fantasy?

Just don't do what my ex girlfriend did, and keep calling me by my best friend's name ...

Ironically, they are living together now. I guess when she calls out, "Alan! Alan!" he won't even realize she's yelling someone else's name.

In a way, you remind me of the wife of this artist who works at our comics company, only she wants to try lots of different kinds of food, which, I suppose is not as bad as wanting to try lots of different men.

But it does start to bug me after a while, when she keeps asking me, "Do you like seafood?" and I say, "Yes," and she says, "How about clams?" Then she will come up to me and ask, "Do you like Mexican food?" and I say, "Yes," and she asks me, "How about tacos?"

She must not be too bright, because almost certainly if I like seafood I would like clams, and tacos if I liked Mexican food. Logic is so often lost on women.

But, what bugs me most is when she comes up and says, "Do you like food from Great Britain?" and I will say, "Yes," and she will ask me, "Would you like to spread my English Muffin?"

Now, first of all, I'm really busy with Biff gone, and hardly have time to help her make her breakfast. And second, how would I know what she wants on her English Muffin?

Sometimes girls can be so irritating.

If it weren't for that cute English accent she has, I don't know if I could stand to be around her.

I hope this helps,
James

We are at day 79 of Biff Watch, and we are still asking our loyal readers to keep an eye out for Biff. He should be easy to spot: he's over six feet tall, late 40s, prematurely grey hair usually greased back, and prone to smoke a pipe. His personal hygiene tends to slip when he's off on one of his trips, so he may be sporting several days' beard growth.

If you see him, please snap a photo or get some video, and send it to jehitch@redflagpublishing.com, along with information as to where and when it was shot, so we can track him down.


Thanks,
James Hitchcock
Editorial Director
Red Flag Publishing

Oh, and PLEASE ... BUY OUR BOOKS!

I want a baby; he doesn't!

Where in the World
is Biff Humble?
Uploaded by James Hitchcock

Dear Readers,
While we search for Biff, our editorial director has offered to step into Biff's shoes, and promises to answer your questions with as much humor and insight as our fearless publisher ...

Every man loves babies

Dear Biff

I've been married to a wonderful man for two years and we are very happy. I'm 34, he's 41. It's my first marriage, his second, and he has two children that he has raised on his own. Before we became engaged, he said he didn't want any more children. I didn't either, at the time.

But now, all I can think about is having a baby. We've talked and talked about it, and he sticks to his guns. He says that he's already been through that part of his life, and I knew that going into the marriage. He says he's too old, that it would cost to much to raise another child, and that it would take too much time away from us as a couple.

I love this man dearly, but I desperately want a child. How can I get him to change his mind?

Signed,

Marion in Mattawan


Dear Marion,

I just don't understand why your husband wouldn't want to have more children. Children are great. I wish I had more of them.

Your husband probably just doesn't know yet that he wants another baby. Just keep bringing up the subject (at least five or six times a day), and eventually, he'll come around.

If he doesn't, you could either threaten to never have sex with him again, or "accidentally" forget to take your birth control.*

I'm sure that once you were pregnant, he would be deliriously happy.

I hope this helps,

James

*Biff would probably have offered to inseminate you in many different ways at this point of the letter, so in an effort to be humorous, I will say that if your husband doesn't give in, I will offer to visit the local sperm bank and leave a deposit while thinking lewd and lascivious thoughts about you. You can then make arrangements to pick up the sample, and use it to become pregnant. But, if you do so, I would like to be a part of the baby's life, even if he (I'm already calling the baby "he") doesn't know that I'm really the father. You can just call me "Uncle Jim."


We are at day 47 of Biff Watch, and a reader reported seeing Biff in Sloppy Joe's Bar in Key West. We don't have any photographic corroboration, but it sounds like the kind of place he'd hang out.

We are still asking our loyal readers to keep an eye out for Biff. He should be easy to spot: he's over six feet tall, late 40s, prematurely grey hair usually greased back, and prone to smoke a pipe. His personal hygiene tends to slip when he's off on one of his trips, so he may be sporting several days' beard growth.

If you see him, please snap a photo or get some video, and send it to jehitch@redflagpublishing.com, along with information as to where and when it was shot, so we can track him down.

Please, we need your help.

Thanks,
James Hitchcock
Editorial Director
Red Flag Publishing

Oh, and PLEASE ... BUY OUR BOOKS!

My Girlfriend Came Out of the Closet!

Where in the World
is Biff Humble?
Uploaded by James Hitchcock

Dear Readers,
While we search for Biff, our editorial director has offered to step into Biff's shoes, and promises to answer your questions with as much humor and insight as our fearless publisher ...

Why do women always say that
they are coming out of the closet
when they break up with me?

Dear Biff

I don't know what to do.

Last night at a party, one of my friends told me he opened the closet to get his coat, and he found my girlfriend, on her knees, in front of a man, who was holding her head.

I rushed out to the living room just in time to see my girlfriend coming out of the closet with Steve, a friend of ours, sort of ... really more of an acquaintance than a friend. Sort of a friend of a friend, really. You see, there's this librarian I know, who introduced me to Steve ... well, not in person, you see, but over the internet, and we've chatted. So, we had never really met until that night, but he was sort of a friend, I guess. Well, actually, he probably chatted more often with my girlfriend than me, but I still considered him my friend.

Well, anyway, I confronted my girlfriend, and asked her what was going on.

She said that she had lost her earring, and was looking in the closet in case it had snagged on her scarf.

So I asked her what Steve was doing in there with her, holding her head.

She said that he saw her looking, and came to help, and was turning her head to where he saw something glittery on the floor.

She even said that someone accidentally closed the door while they were looking for the earring.

The thing was, I looked, and she wasn't wearing earrings.

So, I became very suspicious that maybe they were fooling around. But it just didn't add up. After all, why would she be on her knees if they were kissing?

She tells me there is no reason to be jealous, and that nothing was happening, but if I would just give her a pearl necklace once in a while, she might not lose her earrings so often.

I just don't see how buying her more jewelry will keep her from losing her earrings. It seems like the more jewelry she has, the more likely she is to lose it.

And, I still keep getting this weird feeling that something just wasn't right.


Signed,

Wondering
(Note: I've been told to change the names to protect the anonymity of our readers - James)

Dear Mr. Dumas,

I think you are overreacting to what was probably a very innocent situation.

Obviously, if your girlfriend was on her knees looking for an earring, she couldn't have been kissing Steve.

And, of course she wasn't wearing earrings - she told you she lost them!

Are you always so jealous of your girlfriend? Let me tell you from experience that nothing can turn off a woman more quickly than jealousy. One of my ex-girlfriends broke up with me when I accused her of messing around under similar circumstances to your own. During a party, I found her in our bed, under a pile of coats, with one of my friends. I yelled and yelled at her. But then she explained that she had her hands in his pants to help him look for his wallet, and I felt really stupid. I apologized, but she left me anyway.

You would think I would have learned, but I accused my next girlfriend of messing around because she kept sneaking into the men's bathroom at our favorite pub - when there were guys in there! She told me that it was just because there was a line in the women's restroom, and she couldn't hold it. And, all the guys in there vouched for her, too.

So, I finally learned my lesson about being jealous. I think you should give your girlfriend the benefit of the doubt here, and tell her you are sorry for being so jealous.

But, just to double check my opinion, I asked Darla what she thought. She agreed with me, and said you should also give her that pearl necklace she wanted, to prove you were sorry.

Funny thing is, she said with Biff gone, she could use a pearl necklace, but I just don't have that kind of money laying around, and I wouldn't want my boss to get jealous because I bought his girlfriend jewelry.

I hope this helps,

James


We are at day 54 of Biff Watch, and we are still asking our loyal readers to keep an eye out for Biff. He should be easy to spot: he's over six feet tall, late 40s, prematurely grey hair usually greased back, and prone to smoke a pipe. His personal hygiene tends to slip when he's off on one of his trips, so he may be sporting several days' beard growth.

If you see him, please snap a photo or get some video, and send it to jehitch@redflagpublishing.com, along with information as to where and when it was shot, so we can track him down.


Thanks,
James Hitchcock
Editorial Director
Red Flag Publishing

Oh, and PLEASE ... BUY OUR BOOKS!

I like fresh-caught crabs

Where in the World
is Biff Humble?
Uploaded by James Hitchcock

Dear Readers,
While we search for Biff, our editorial director has offered to step into Biff's shoes, and promises to answer your questions with as much humor and insight as our fearless publisher ...

Crabs are easy to find
in New Jersey

Dear Biff

I am from the midwest, and will be vactioning out east this spring, and I was wondering if you can tell me where I can catch crabs in New Jersey?

Signed,

Matt, from Battle Creek


Dear Matt,

My friend Joe Willy called a friend who lives in Mt. Laurel, New Jersey, and he says, "On just about any street corner."

I'm not sure what this means, but Joe assures me it's very funny.

I hope this helps,

James


We are at day 45 of Biff Watch, and our most recent reader sighting was near the Horn of Africa.

We are still asking our loyal readers to keep an eye out for Biff. He should be easy to spot: he's over six feet tall, late 40s, prematurely grey hair usually greased back, and prone to smoke a pipe. His personal hygiene tends to slip when he's off on one of his trips, so he may be sporting several days' beard growth.

If you see him, please snap a photo or get some video, and send it to jehitch@redflagpublishing.com, along with information as to where and when it was shot, so we can track him down.

Please, we need your help. The really scary guy in sunglasses and a black sedan came back and he said,

"Tell dat Daisy boozehound he's in da dutch wit Shy. Da big man don't care dat Biff's on a nut, he wants his vig for them Gs Biff put down on da bangtails, and if Biff don't cough up the cabbage soon," he'd be "back with Roscoe, and dey'd start spittin' metal." And, he said, "Chin-time was done; even tho day useta drink from da same bottle when day was in da bit, bizness was bizness," and Biff "better be heeled next time I sees him, or he'll end up aired out in a Chicago overcoat," and that he "didn't care what schmoes went on da trip wit him."

At least that's what I think he said, I was writing as fast as I could, and when I asked the guy to repeat himself, he said,

"Ya dumb as well as queer, palooka? I gots no time ta bump guns wit you, jus' give Biff the message, or your tits'll be in da wringer, too."

I have not idea what any of that means, but I think it has something to do with Biff being gay, or something.

Thanks,
James Hitchcock
Editorial Director
Red Flag Publishing

Oh, and PLEASE ... BUY OUR BOOKS!

There's a sucker born every minute - but his wife ain't one ...

And my ex-wife said I was a jackass ...
Originally uploaded by biffhumble69.

Dear Readers: Sorry I've been away, but my sense of the passage of time has become a bit distorted since I started gobbling percocet like they were peanut M&Ms ... for some reason the letters have dried up momentarily - I can't imagine why, considering my incredible ability to provide relationship adivce, but, here's one I borrowed, and improved much on the original advice:

Dear Biff,

My wife and I married about three months ago and had dated for almost three and a half years before getting married. We both believe sex is for marriage only and abstained during our relationship. She is a virgin. I am not (I made my abstinence decision later in life).

It was hard to keep my hands to myself while we dated, but I could do it partly because I knew marriage was on the horizon. Here's the problem: We have still never had sex.

For the first weeks of marriage, we did many things but not that. Since then, there've been scattered moments of intimacy with her that usually end with her getting frustrated that she isn't as experienced in this area as I am, despite my best attempts to tell her how wonderful she is. The last such attempt was a few weeks ago. She says that she does not want to have sex no matter what I say.

We did discuss this before marriage and I was under the impression that it would happen. In fact, she even thought it would happen during the honeymoon. Every time we tried, she freaked out and started to cry. I don't know what to do. She refuses to see a counselor or a therapist.

I'm almost to the point where I don't even want to try to initiate anymore because I get so frustrated that nothing happens. I love her with all of my heart. I want to be able to share the kind of intimacy with her that sex brings and I don't know what to do. I find myself getting angry and bitter any time I see anything on TV or anywhere about a couple having sex.

--Frustrated Husband

Dear Frustrated:

Have you ever heard the old story about free milk and a cow? Sounds like you bought a bum steer.

They used to have a name for guys like you.

It was "SUCKER."

But, on the brighter side, I've just started a new restaurant you might like. It's a steak house where you can pick out the exact cut of meat you want, watch the chef cook it over our wood-fired grill, the waitress brings it out with a beautiful presentation, and holds it under your nose so you can smell aroma of the perfectly grilled beef. Then, when you begin salivating so much you are afraid you may begin to drool, she takes it away and brings you a bill for $137.64.

Seriously, what the hell are you still doing there? We all know that the only thing women bring to the table in a relationship is sex, so if you ain't gettin' any of that, you might as well be offering your freeloading cousin Darryl free room and board instead of your wife (Unless, of course, she has a sizable trust fund, but I've dealt with that subject before).

Boot her ass to the curb and consider this a lesson learned: DON'T, under any circumstances, keep your hands off the next one while dating. Get whatever you can while she's still trying to sink the hook into you, because once you put that ring on her finger, all bets are off, and the well's gonna dry up mighty fast.

There's another old joke out there you may have heard:

Q: How do you get your girlfriend to stop giving blowjobs?

A: Marry her.

Hey, the reason we find things humorous is that we can identify with them. That joke wouldn't have lasted this long if there weren't a kernel of truth in it.

Need advice on your relationship? Are you a wealthy single woman looking for a man to support? Are you looking for a freeloader to provide free room and board without expecting sex in return? Write to biffhumble@redflagpublishing.com. And visit Red Flag Publishing

How can I tell if my roomate likes me?

Betcha think of this entry next time you see some guy wolfing down a corndog at the fair ...
Originally uploaded by biffhumble69.

Dear Readers: My how time flies when you are taking high doses of barbituarates. The good news is that, so far, my body hasn't rejected the donor tissue. The even better news is that the plastic surgeon took me at my word that the original length was 13 and one-half inches. Although, it appears they used tissue from several donors of varying ethnicity to achieve that length, and my pole now looks like it belongs in front of a barber shop ... but I digress: Another letter from a reader:

Dear Biff:

I recently began having these attractions to my
roomate Preston. I've never been attracted to another
man before, but lately when I see him with his shirt
off or lounging around in his boxer shorts, I get a
severe chubby and I have to run and hide.

Preston has lots of "girlfriends" who come over
often and I am forced to listen to them making out and
"doing it" because my bedroom is right next to his.

The other day, I installed a hidden camera in his
room, aimed at his bed so that I can watch him. I did
the same thing in the bathroom so I could see him in
the shower.

But, I've found that just watching isn't enough.

I want to go and kiss him and tell him about my
feelings, but I'm afraid of being rejected, and losing
my friend and apartment.

What should I do?

Chubby's gonna burst!!!

Dear Chub:

There's only one way to determine if Preston plays on both teams.

I learned this little trick way back in church camp. When he goes to sleep tonight, first warm up a hot dog to body temperature (I like to use Ball Park Franks, but that's just a personal preference).

Next stand in front of your sleeping roommate and drop your pants to your ankles.

Then, press the hot dog ever so gently between his somnolent lips and into his delicate mouth, but not so far as to choke him. Soft and gentle is the technique to remember here, as you don't want him to awaken quite yet.

As your sleeping amicus de amor begins to stir, you should begin thrusting the hot dog more vigorously, whilst making grunting sounds of love.

When your actions finally reach a point as to bring Preston back to consciousness, quickly discard the hot dog, and make a very theatrical effort at pulling up your pants.

One of two things will happen: Preston will ask you to return the favor, or he will beat the livin' shit out of you.

Either way, you will know the answer to your heart's question.

Good luck,

Biff

p.s. Please tell me you have a video recorder attached to those spy cameras, and that you will make the tapes available on the internet!

Need advice on your relationship? Are you a wealthy single woman looking for a man to support? Do you really, really like hot dogs? Write to biffhumble@redflagpublishing.com. And visit Red Flag Publishing

Is it Hot in Here?

Sweaty McPitts Wants a Man
Originally uploaded by biffhumble69.

Dear Readers: I apologize for my absence, but I caught a little bug at a bar in Bangkok that required some really heavy-duty antibiotics and some reconstructive surgery (they got spirochetes over there that will make the tip of your appendage rot and fall off!). But, I'm back, with a letter from a reader:

Dear Biff:

I am 17 years old and have never had a real
boyfriend or even been kissed. People make fun of me
because I'm weird. I am not rich and can't afford to
dress in style. Most of my clothes come from Kmart or
Goodwill.

I have pimples everywhere and suffer from severe
Hyperhydrosis, which means I sweat a lot. My face is
always wet and my forehead is always dripping and I
smell terrible all the time.

No one wants to be my friend because they think I'm
gross. I've been called Sweaty McPitts, Sweatzilla and
Pricess Smellsalot. I can't change schools and my
parents wont let me drop out.

Ugh!!! I hate myself! What should I do? I want to
be normal and have a boyfriend like all the other
girls my age. I want to get laid too damnit! What
advice can you offer a poor swetty girl such as myself?

Dear Sweaty McPitts:

First, realize that everyone hates themselves. It's part of the human condition.

Second, realize that there is a special support group for everyone that hates themselves. It meets every day at 5 p.m. in a place called a "bar."

Third, realize that there is medicine available to deal with all of your physical shortcomings that is easily available without a prescription. It's called "alcohol." They serve it in bars, and it has a progressive effect that will amaze you with how beautiful it can make a girl such as yourself (or a 48-year-old toothless Thai hooker) by about 2 a.m.

Your best bet is to wait until close to last call, when all of the really hot chicks (and most of the pretty plain ones) have already left with the Man du Jour, so there will be little to compare you with. Then, stake out a spot at the bar near the ugliest girl you can find, and begin trying to make eye contact with drunk guys.

If my theory holds true (that any woman can go into a bar and leave with a guy any night), you will get lucky.

Just bathe in perfume before hand, and let him get on top, so you don't drip sweat all over him (or do it in a hot tub).

Just be sure to leave before he wakes up semi-sober, so he will continue to think you were as beautiful as he thought you were when he was blotto. Trust me, there were a few times I considered chewing my own arm off to get away from a woman who looked dramatically different at 8 a.m. than she did at 2 a.m. the night before.

You can even do what most women do, and post a picture of a really hot chick that bears little resemblance to you on your Yahoo singles profile, and then IM him about what a great time you had, and offer to meet him again at 2 a.m. the next weekend.

Good luck!

Need advice on your relationship? Are you a wealthy single woman looking for a man to support? Write to biffhumble@redflagpublishing.com. And visit Red Flag Publishing

Girlfriends, Carrots, and German Literature

Girlfriend's a Head Case
Originally uploaded by biffhumble69.

Another letter from a reader!

Dear Biff,

My girlfriend is a head case. What should I do?

Wondering

Dear Wondering,

Whose isn't?

Get used to it.

As long as she isn't physically or emotionally abusive, or fond of sticking a carrot up your ass while you read "Mein Kampf" aloud, just enjoy the ride.

Well, the carrot thing is a personal taste, so you may not mind, but it was a deal-breaker for me.

Need advice on your relationship? Are you a wealthy single woman looking for a man to support? Write to biffhumble@redflagpublishing.com. And visit Red Flag Publishing